|
| Its December of 2009.
My life has changed so much in only a year.
I rarely write on here, and since i knew i had the time to tonight, i decided to make an update... Tim is not my number one focus, and I actually came to realize that we didnt end because of me... it just happened, like everyone said it would. Matt and I are still together, and have been good, for the most part, since we began dating. We had a rough spot or two, but doesnt everyone?
I quit my job at Hastings and am now working as a supervisor/third key at the Peebles store in Dyersburg. I seem to be mellowing out more. Trying to grow up and get my life in order really. Realizing that things don't always go your way, and most of the time, "always" is an understatement. Still living at home, but hope to be out of here soon.
Mainly, my focus is on work, at least for the time being. I am not in school at this point, which is somewhat regrettable, but nonetheless, unchangeable right now. Speaking of unchangeable, my friend Ben, whom i did have feelings for when he lived here, is the subject of my dreams very often recently. It was a mutual attraction. And I fell fast, to be completely honest. Sometimes i wonder what it would be like had he not left for Japan and if we got together, but i think this is only because he was everything i wanted... everything but a Christian... but my faith is shaky lately, its hard to focus on all that when youre so busy with life in general. back to Ben, though... He had told me before that we'd have beautiful kids if we got together. thats like auditory porn for mommy wanna-be's. it has stuck with me. he was... is ... an amazing guy. yet, i understand that there would be things that would stand in the way of our relationship... maybe. see, we talked often. had a conversation about that actually. what COULD tear us apart had we gotten together?? but thats long since past, and cant be changed. i am thankful for Matt. so very much. and i love him with every inch of myself. i just wish that he cared to have a family as much as i did, and that he would TELL me he cares for me. just sweet little reminders. everyone i knew, all my friends; family; everyone... theyre all gaining spouses and making families. its like theyre all making progress, while i am sitting here, staying with someone that may not want to do all of that. Christmas is coming up soon. maybe i can give you an EXACT one year update. we will see if i remember at that point.... | | |
| 1 year and 4 days ago, Tim Mooney decided to leave my life. Its crappy how things turned out, to be honest. I just found out he has a girlfriend, and he thinks i lied to him about everything. About wanting to marry him, about loving him.... Go figure. that's the way life seems to turn out for me... Lately i am in such a rut. Right now i am up in Ohio, "visiting" family, but right now i am actually so distant because of all of this. right now i kind of feel like breaking down. Its 10:30 and matt hasn't called and it seems so easy to let him leave my mind when we are apart. that's bad, i know, but somewhere inside of me is this part that can't let him go.. some part that wants to love him like no one ever has... its not the same love i had for tim, but its there, nonetheless... Actually, a big part of why i am like this right now is because i have proof now that tim has moved on. he has a girlfriend now. her name is kara, or something like that.... no it is kara... i cant act like i dont know. and i want to be jealous of her, but i cant because this is not any of her fault. heck, for all i know, she may be the perfect girl for him... and i kind of hope she is in a way. i failed him so badly. i broke his heart and let him down. and now, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. this christmas kind of sucks. and i just feel like crying. this is so hard to move on from. this is all so hard to forget about. its been over a year now, and things have gotten better, however, they are still.. confusing. and things still hurt alot... ...all i can do is trust the Lord... and pray that He will carry me through. | | |
| Its been over 2 years since i have last written. Here is what has changed. Here is the truth:
Tim is no longer a part of my life. For the last few years he was everything to me, and now he is gone. In 13 days, It will have been a year since we broke up. Obviously i am still not over it. I dont know if he has a girlfriend, or if he likes anyone. Infact, i know really nothing about him other than that he is still in his precious band...
I am finally in college. I have been living in Ripley, Tennessee since September of last year. Its starting to feel a little more like home, but i miss Ohio and my family so much. I am working at a retail entertainment store called hastings. I enjoy the job for the most part despite some obvious favoritism issues. Back in November of 2007 i met a guy named Matt. Tim was mistreating me to some extent, didnt want anything to do with me, and now i am finding out that he may have been cheating on me for a while... Unfortunately, i could be quite guilty of just that with Matt. We kissed a few days before Tim "officially" left me... I feel bad for that, but Matt has done nothing wrong to me. He has stayed with me despite the fact that i REALLY struggled with not knowing if i should try to get Tim back or not after he left me. I have a feeling it woulnt have made any difference, though.
I know its silly to wonder if Tim will ever take me back and sometimes i feel like there is this glimmer of hope, but to be honest, i dont really know what i want. I am very close to Matt, closer than i had originally intended on becoming with him. But i miss Tim like crazy. I think back and remember how sure i was that he was the one for me. It breaks me down when i think about it because i based my life around him only to have it fail... I dont know if those 3 years or so were worth all the heartache that i went and am still going through. It just hurts terribly...
And now, as i am listening to music online, the song i wanted played at our wedding comes on...
go figure. this always happens. i try to get optimistic then something tears me down.
I have been on antidepressants for over a month now. they seem to be improving my mood...
it just sucks that it has come to that... I just wish things could have been settled more simply, and on better terms.
I miss him so much. And it breaks me down even still...
Tim, if you happen to read this, i am sorry. i can't say that enough and i really regret that things did not work out between us. i will always love you. i may not be IN love with you, but i will always, always love you. please dont hate me. I only want what is best for you, and yeah, you hurt me, i hurt you, but through it all, you were my all.
forgive me. i will always remember you as my first love.
And so i sit here at college on this stupid computer trying to hold back my tears.
It makes me wonder how things would have been had i not had to move, if Tim hadn't joined the band, If i hadn't nagged him about things, or if he still loved me through everything...
This is not a good day. I am waiting for the sun to bring me out of this shadow and cold. My winter has lasted far too long...
Pray for me. I can't do this on my own.
This has torn me apart more than anything in my life.
I still love you.
I miss you.
dont forget me.
| | |
| wow! its been forever since i have been on here huh? i dont even know if anyone reads this anymore, but even if they dont, i have this to look back on right? alot has happened. i did move to TN but now i love with my grandma in Indiana. Its still 2 hours from Moores Hill but its okay. Tim and I are still dating, we are pretty much engaged, although he hasnt bought a ring yet. i guess you could call us comitted to each other?? i work third shift. it pretty much sucks. i hardly ever see tim anymore and mom has miah and geoff living in TN with them still. I dont think that hey like it down there too well. i am not yet in college. well, i want to be,but the apllication process isnt going so swell. i gotta learn to no procrastinate so much... i miss tim so much. he is moving to Greendale soon, basically because of financial issues. i think he is really happy about it. he says it is about 30 minutes closer to me too, so i guess that isnt so bad right? just alot of memories in that old house.... i think moving sucks.... anyways, i actually need to get some sleep. i havent had much in the last few days.... and i am hungry. our fridge is actually broken, so we have a baby fridge right now...lol. well, i think i may go, and read some other of my revious entries..... just to say i did, and see what was going on a year ago.... well, talk to you all sometime... luv: me ;) | | |
| it is friday! i just figured out last night that the company mike is going to work for wants him to start working on the 24th of this month! that means i'll prolly be out of here in close to a month from then. that sucks. but oh well. the 16th is me and tim's 6 months! i cant believe its already been that long! well g2g for now! luv ya all! | | |
|
